Bringing you the worst possible scenario since some time ago.
Haries (March 21-April 19) = I know they’ll be six feet under, but if you ‘re planning on burying anyone this week, I strongly suggest a locked, stainless-steel casket. Zombies and vampires can climb through six feet of dirt, after all, when it’s all loose like that. (Paid for by Stiff & Sons Coffin Company.)
Fnord Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) = Yes, it IS as bad as you thought. No, they won’t help you. I’d advise against your plan B. Well, if you must. But your cell mate won’t be nearly as nice as they are in the movies. Better to just tough it out.
Gem-in-eye (May 21 - Jun. 21) = Be nice to wait staff if you eat out, especially this week. You don’t want to know what they’ll put in your food if you’re mean to them. And no, you won’t be able to taste it, either.
I’m-sorry-but-it’s-Cancer (Jun. 22-July 22) = Lots of horoscopes might say ‘think before you speak,’ and leave it at that. Not us. If you don’t enjoy long metal rods puncturing your colon, we suggest you not say anything to burly tattooed men wearing sunglasses, no matter how curious you are about why he’s got a pink ribbon tattooed on his bicep.
Fleo (July 23 - Aug. 22) = DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS AT THE ZOO!!! Those signs are there to keep you safe. Especially this week, and especially at the lion cage. They will forget to feed him that morning.
Virgone (Aug. 23 - Sept 22) = Check the air in your tires today before going on any long trips (trips more than 15 minutes long) today, even if you checked them yesterday. You’ll be glad you did. Lake + car + stuck door = no fun.
Lee-Bra (Sept 23-Oct 23) = You know that new squeak your car makes? Yeah, don’t waste any time getting your car to the mechanic. Insist that he look at it immediately. That’s all I have to say about that.
Pinscorpio (Oct.24-Nov.21) = Let’s just say: if you’re a hemophiliac, you might want to rethink that planned trip to Africa. Lots of AIDS over there. In fact, even if you’re not a hemophiliac, you might want to go somewhere else instead.
Exsaggitarius (Nov.22-Dec.21) = What’s that noise? Did I hear someone open the front door? I’m sure it’s nothing… I mean, so that crazed axe murderer escaped from prison yesterday. So what if you left your front door unlocked? It means nothing…
Chaopricorn (Dec.22-Jan19) = If you like your money, I strongly suggest you not go gambling today. If you do, you’ll end up having to sell your spare organs for grocery money.
Aqua-hairius (Jan.20-Feb.18) = Hmm… that’s odd. It seems the worst thing that could happen to you today is finding a hair in your soup. Well… enjoy your refund and the settlement from the class-action lawsuit. Oh wait, I see. That hair was infected with syphillis. Avoid eating soup today.
Spiceez (Feb.19-March 20) = Usually I’d say second-guessing yourself is a bad thing. Not today. In fact, today I’d suggest third-guessing yourself. I can’t go into details, but let’s just say your Uncle George made the same mistake, and look how he’s turned out. You don’t have an Uncle George? HA! That’s what you think.
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